Overcoming Your anxiety: The toxic 'sorry'

I've seen this one a lot. Various posts online and just offhand things that my parents have said to me, but I've never really experienced myself doing it until it has been physically told to me. Saying sorry. Yes I have had a problem, yes I didn't realise it was a problem until it was pointed out to me, and since that moment, I have been so careful with it.

I say sorry too much.

Not what you would think to be a major problem, but it is, incredibly. I have found that this issue is ingrained mainly in women, as I find them unnecessarily apologising for everything they come across. No, it's not our fault but, with everything in the media, especially from when we were little, problems have been deemed as our fault. Like rape accusations where it seems to be the woman's fault ('her clothes were too short', 'she was too drunk') and subconsciously, without meaning to, we've grown up apologising.

The reason why I have such an affinity to this is that this is how I found out that I had anxiety. This was before I had my first panic attack, this was before I was put onto medication, this was before anything that had seriously affected my mental health. And I'm sure that finding out about it sooner was incredibly useful in helping me get over it quicker.

It is incredibly common in people with anxiety or low self-esteem. You generally believe that people don't want to be there, and then apologise to them for wasting their time. I'm here to tell you that that's is not the case! Most likely, people do want to be there but feel like you don't want them to be there instead. Say thank you so that you can appreciate them, and they can feel acknowledged. I get it, it's difficult when there's so much more in your life to worry about, but it's also so important to show that you know how others are feeling and how you can help with them as well.

So this is what a 'toxic sorry' is about. And no, before we go into anything, I do not mean that you shouldn't say sorry after possibly doing something wrong. If that were to happen, then you should offer a heartfelt apology. Everyone does things wrong, it's just human and saying sorry does offer a chance for forgiveness. However, when I fall over and someone helps me up, I feel inclined to say 'sorry!'. Or if someone steps on my toe I just have to squeak out an 'oh, sorry.' before turning away. I shouldn't deem all of my actions as me doing something wrong, without it being my fault at all.

How to help prevent the toxic 'sorry':

Every single one of you has probably heard of saying something other than sorry, to try and get you out of the habit. No, not something like 'my apologies!' or something similar, just a phrase to try and replace the feelings of anxiety of doing something wrong, that also acknowledges the persons feeling as you do so...

Say thank you.

How simple is that? It can be difficult I know, and I can assure you that getting used to it is fairly tricky but it makes you feel so much better!

When someone waits for you to go somewhere, don't say 'sorry I made you wait', instead, say something like 'thank you for waiting for me, I really appreciate it.' It shows that you don't just see the bad things, and instead acknowledge the good the someone else had done instead of brushing past it.

If you are applying for a job, don't say 'sorry for making you listen to me rambling,' say 'thank you for sparing time to listen to me!' It shows appreciation to the people of who want to see you, or who have gone out of their way to see you. It is incredibly healthy and a good thing to do.

You see, saying thank you is a positive reinforcement. Saying it to someone will most likely feel good for them and feel good for you, making them want to help you again.

So next time you start saying sorry for something that isn't your fault catch yourself, and say thank you instead. You don't need to feel bad about yourself, and to help make yourself feel better, learn to appreciate the people around you as well.